Bargaining: VolkeSothe Style
by GamberDragon
Summary: FE9: Volke/Sothe. Ike's cracking from the stress, Sothe's the unfortunate recipitent of his wrath. Volke's being a pervy jerk. Sothe gets his chance to be sadistic. Implied Yaoi. Crude Humor, possibly offensive language.


**Bargaining: Volke/Sothe Style**

**Disclaimer: **Fire Emblem belongs to Nintendo and Intelligent Systems.

Pairing(s): Volke/Sothe, hinted if you look hard enough, Ike/Boyd, and hinted Haar/Tormod(whut?).

**A/N: **_The title kind of hints at more 'Bargaining' stories…But, who knows?_

_This isn't meant to be taken too seriously. It's also a sad attempt at humor. But…Enjoy! -.-'_

_XD I quite enjoyed writing this - it's just a silly little thing._

* * *

It was a fine, fresh morning; the army was rising, breakfast was cooking, people were chatting, warriors were training. Everything was going fairly normal for one particular thief. Waking, getting molested (willingly), attempting to dress, getting laid, dressing, stepping out of the tent his lover occupied…Sothe was just about to get breakfast for himself when he felt an uneasy vibe take over him. Something, something dark, and frightening, was coming for him.

He didn't know what, or when, where, or why…But something was definitely about to lash out at him - and break his daily routine of proceeding to the next battlefield. Sothe rubbed his arm, feeling slightly freaked out. What the hell was coming for him?

Quite promptly, he was answered; by being slammed into a tent post. "Sothe." Ike rumbled…

Wait, _rumbled_?

That's a little weird.

"Er, Commander?"

Blue eyes were full of stress, tiredness, and irritation - Sothe feared for his life. "Sothe, as of now, you're on a top-priority mission. You will finish this mission as soon as possible. And I mean today. You will make this possible…TODAY!"

Golden eyes blinked, "That depends on what it -."

"No. It does not depend on what the mission is. You will finish your task _today_!" the green-haired thief began to sweat. Ike just continued to glare, showing the most emotion Sothe had ever seen on the man. But it wasn't like the thief had known his commander all that long… "Answer. Me."

Sothe blinked again, "Um, okay?"

Ike smiled, and Sothe nearly had a heart attack. "Good. Now, you will make Volke," he spat the man's name out with venom, "eat a meal with us, once a day." the greenette raised a brow.

"Didn't you attempt to make him do this on Nasir's ship?"

An azure eye twitched, "Yes. And I obviously failed. Now, you will accomplish what I could not." a pause, "Today."

"What makes you think I'll have more luck?"

Ike glared, "Because you practically _own _him."

"…No one _owns_ Volke; that's pretty much impossible."

"You're just about the closest we're ever going to get."

"Why can't you do it? I mean, you _are_ the commander."

And just like that, Sothe unleashed Ike's verbal tirade of doom, "Yes, you are right. I am the commander. But; you know what? As the leader, I deal with issuing troops to battlefields, making sure everyone is properly equipped, everyone is in good condition, etcetera." Ike took a heavy breath, which sounded more like a growl, "And that's not all. I listen to everyone's problems, I take challenges from the idiots who want to take my place. I have to deal with my weapons and several other people's on the side. I have to study tactics with Soren at night, and with Titania in the day. I have to deal with a drunk Shinon calling me a bratty whelp and barfing all over my shoes. I have to listen to Boyd rant about insignificant problems for an hour before I can even think about getting laid. I have to listen to Gatrie talk about all the beautiful women he just saw."

Ike wasn't yelling, but…He didn't really need to. Sothe was shaking in his boots, seriously. And apparently the blue-haired general wasn't done.

"And on top of all of this…_**Stuff**_. I have to deal with Mist constantly vocally worrying about Volke and his health. About how starving he must be, about how he is just skin and bones…And about how heartbroken everyone would be if he were to die - and about how it would be all my fault." Ike finished sharply, making Sothe flinch.

"Er."

"Now, I would just be so **thrilled** if you would take care of that last problem for me. And I'll move to take care of everything else. Does that sound like a fair deal to you? Because it sure does sound like one to me." Sothe nodded shakily, "Wonderful. Now, go, and succeed. Or I will kill you."

The greenette was quick to scamper off the scene.

* * *

A short figure slipped into the dark tent that belonged to the one and only assassin of the army, still slightly shaky from his confrontation with his commander. Volke looked up, face unreadable, "Back so soon, little thief?"

Sothe shuffled his feet, "Yeah…"

Volke hummed, "The price of one-hundred gold still stands."

"Huh?" the greenette asked, wide-eyed. How the hell did the man already know…Oh. Right. Master thief, assassin, and rogue. He _would_ know by now, wouldn't he? The assassin in question just stared at him. "But I don't have one-hundred gold!"

The assassin gave him a disbelieving look, "I had to buy a tome for Tormod…I lost a game of cards…Don't give me that look!"

Volke snickered, not even bothering to hide his face or anything. Sothe bristled just the tiniest of bits. "Why do _I_ have to pay you anyway?"

"As I told Ike, I don't like large crowds."

Sothe whimpered, making Volke arch a brow, "B-but, if I don't get you out to eat, Ike's going to kill me!"

"That is unfortunate."

The teenager growled, "Then go and eat a meal with the rest of the group!"

"I'm afraid not."

"ARGH!"

Volke ignored the greenette's outburst, "But…There _is_ something you could do to earn the gold." garnet eyes sparked, and the light in them could only be described as mischievous…And perverted…That was never good.

Sothe glared, "No."

Volke pouted (or as close as he could get to pouting), "You were never contrary to sex before this moment."

Through gritted teeth, the teenager explained just why that was so, "That's because, _**before**_ - we had sex, because that's what _lovers_ **do**! _**This**_," Sothe waved a hand, "would be like prostitution!" Volke just raised an eyebrow as if to ask, 'so?'. "ARGH!" the teenager left the tent.

* * *

"What exactly do you think you're doing?" the voice of Commander Ike…Was like the dark god talking. It was the most unwanted thing in the world at the moment…To Sothe.

Slowly turning to look at his general, Sothe attempted to stay calm, "Um…Sharpening my…Stiletto?"

"Really."

"Really…?"

"Sothe."

"Y-yes?"

"Get Volke out in time for dinner - which is in two hours - or I will personally shove my sword up your…"

"Alright!"

Sothe ran back to Volke's tent.

"The offer is still one-hundred gold. Which is translated to…Rope, gags, and wax…For the whole night after dinner." the most disturbing thing about that sentence was not he words…But the fact that Volke wasn't even looking at Sothe as he said it, instead he was focused on the book in his hand. Not only that, but he also said it all in a tone that would normally be saved for talking about the weather to people you barely know.

Sothe was feeling sadistic by now.

"Mm…Volke." he said in a sultry voice that most definitely got the man's attention, "You remember what we did…Oh, two weeks ago?" garnet eyes suddenly were trained on the teenager, and indicated that 'yes, he did indeed remember'. "Mmhm…I can see you do."

"Where are you going with this?" the elder male asked, a little warily. Oh he didn't even know.

"Let's see. I have a deal. You go eat dinner without a fuss."

Garnet eyes narrowed, "Or what?"

"Or…That little thing that happened two weeks ago will never happen again. In fact… I will go to Haar and Tormod, and ask them if they're interested in a threesome…And you will never see me naked again. Nor will you touch me…Sexually…Anymore." the man had a mask, but it was still obvious that he was gaping like a fish. Sothe basked a little in the man's shock, sating his sadistic side happily.

He finally took pity on the man when the book in his hands was ripped in two, "Though, if you do go to dinner…I can promise you a _very _delicious dessert." Volke's mouth closed, but he was obviously still frozen. Sothe just smirked, golden eyes glittering in barely-suppressed delight. With a little wave, he turned his back on his lover and stepped out of the tent - quite confident that he had won.

* * *

Dinnertime rolled around.

General Ike smirked deviously as Volke wearily sat down next to an ecstatic Mist. Blue eyes found a green-haired thief and he raised a brow.

Sothe just smirked triumphantly. He was looking forward to his well-earned dessert.


End file.
